May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more position where by American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. Trump Tower Damascus The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he really should end making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the venture, replied, "You know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down service."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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